When we’re engaging in a relationship paradigm that is not in service of our well-being, sense of safety, it’s time to find a new paradigm. Relationshpis are intended to be a resource, not a drain.

The reason people stay are two-fold: 

  1. We are unconsciously trying to find resolution for unhealed pain from the past. We do this by trying to get the current person to be different so we don’t have to feel the pain of the old wound. If they’re different, this is resolved. 
  2. We make up stories about the other person’s capacity, whereby we prevent ourselves from being authentic and asking for what we want. 


To change a relationship paradigm: 


  1. Identify your pattern or contribution to the paradigm.
    1. Are you defended? Are you betraying yourself? Are you manipulating others? 
  2. Become aware of your narratives about other people. 
    1. Are you setting an ego trap to keep yourself locked into old paradigms? 
  3. Get clear on what you are available for. 
    1. Are you available for a relationship that is not a resource? 
  4. Bring the quality to the relationship that you want to nurture, regardless of how the other person seems. 
    1. If you want more connection, connect with yourself and bring that into the relationship.
    2. If you want more love, love yourself and discover how you relate when you are loving with yourself. 
    3. If you want to be heard, listen to yourself and honor your deepest truth. 
    4. If you want to be honored, honor yourself…
  5. Be intentional about the place within yourself from which you move and speak in relationship
    1. Are you moving from habit and attachment wounding? Or are you moving from your authentic true self?


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