In this video we are going to be talking about 5 ways that you will see your healing work and your healing journey manifest in your relationships when we commence a healing journey, and we continue to repair our internal system, and grow an awareness and and choice, and deepen into our alignment. Our healing happens from the outer aspect of our life and moves closer to our in from a more intimate relationships as we deepen and progress on our healing journey. So, for example we begin by feeling safer out in the world or in community, or we’re more kind into strangers or volunteer our time in a way where we recognize that the way we treat other people is really a reflection of the way we treat ourselves. And then slowly, over time, the healing finds its way deeper into our closer relationships, our family of origin our children. And then, lastly, our most intimate, intimate relationships is where the deepest curriculum and transformation happens
Before we dive into these 5 ways that we can see our healing expressed in our relationships. I want to let you know that I wrote a book for you. Align: Living and Loving from the True Self is a comprehensive map of how to come back home to the truth of who you are, and how to honor this sacred place within yourself, as you relate with the people in your lives. I also created these self-guided alignment cards. There’s 48 cards in the deck, and each part has a wisdom teaching and a sentence stem to support you and living and loving from your true self. These cards are wonderful for your own contemplative practice, and they’re also great for work with clients, group therapy, or even parties, or intimate relating, if the people that you surround yourself with like to dive deep and really look at themselves.
So as we heal we can really see the effort that we’ve put in in our deepest relationship. So how we relate to the world around us, how we perceive those that we’re interacting with, how we feel in our being as we engage with the world this experience of ourselves begins to transform. And oftentimes, as we are doing this work we think we take some steps back when we engage in old patterns again, when we fall asleep to the true self, we start in acting condition patterns, we start identifying with the ordinary mind, believing that reality exists in our mind, following those familiar patterns and impulses and really, truly, every moment of our healing journey is part of our healing. So there it isn’t possible to take a step back. As we’re healing. We are either meeting the world from our most awake resource, self or we are asleep to our most awake resource self.
Aand so learning how to be with ourselves as we’re on this journey, and being really compassionate and loving and patient with ourselves, can really really create more space expand into the truth of who we are with more regularity, with more consistency, so that we move from a state of consciousness, a state of conscious awareness to an embodied stage of being awake and aware. When I first met my current husband, I had done so much work on myself. I had already written my first book, Reveal, embody the true self beyond trauma and conditioning and I was really well practiced in doing the differ, truer thing. I had been healing my attachment wounds. I was saying no to codependent patterns that I had previously engaged in. I was saying no to other people’s criticism, control, or gas lighting, and I was really loving myself through life and my! My whole world had changed from the work that I had done and so when I met my current husband, I was really embodying my wholeness, and he is truly a reflection of my wholeness, and so I was extremely surprised when this old, old pattern that I didn’t even know existed within me, emerged and started, causing me to believe that this pain body of my attachment wound so deeply that I would go into my bedroom, and I would cry and hold myself and rock because the pain was so deep.
The grief that had bubbled up to the surface in the presence of this loving, sweet, responsive relationship was so deep I could not believe that I was in so much pain. So what had happened was when I was 5 months old. I had a traumatic brain injury. My father had put me on the top bunk of a bed, and To sleep, and he went to do other things at a party. We were at somebody else’s house, and there was a gathering, and I woke up and I fell, and I hit my my head right here. You can see the scar. I hit my head on the dresser, and then I fell the rest of the way, and I left my body. I was in so much pain. I had a near-death experience and I wanted to go back to the bliss of God and instead, breath came back into me and in that experience I came back into my body and I developed a pre-verbal attachment wound relationship to my dad that was so deeply ingrained. Really, truly, in my nervous system that when a similar movement that my husband has matched the movement of my dad this attachment wound that I had never had space to really heal bubbled up to the surface, and I felt so much grief, so much pain, so alone, so lost no words to put to this experience, and the movement. That similar between my dad and my husband is one that isn’t unkind. It’s simply they stay really busy. And so the young one in me that wants attention, that wants to know that that they see me, that I’m important to them. That part of me I came up with my husband because my husband is very busy, my husband would do anything for me but in that doer, in that doing things for me I want attention, and my young one wants attention.
And so, as this map was being played out with my husband, I was given the most beautiful opportunity to deepen into my healing and I often will see clients when wounds emerge back up, they can be very hard on themselves, discouraged, upset that they’re not healed, and I really believe that as we expand our capacity to be available for ourselves, we deepen into those experiences so that we can heal them at a deeper and a deeper level each and every time and And so during this experience with my husband. I was more resourced. I had more skills. I had more capacity. I was more awake and more aware than I had been in my previous relationships.
And so I started this practice that any time I felt sad that he wasn’t giving me attention. I started giving myself the attention that I was looking to him, for I would turn towards my inner young one, and I would tell her. I will never drop you. I will always honor you. I always listen to you. I will always pay attention to you, and I started repairing my attachment system internally. And this is one way that we know that our healing and our transformation is really taking effect. We can give ourself the thing that we think we need from somebody else. So this is number one. We give ourselves the thing that we think we need from somebody else. And in that practice of turning towards ourselves, following the thread back home to ourselves and building a secure relationship with ourselves. Our whole attachment system starts to integrate and we become more of our wise, mature self. And so we can hold ourselves in our experience. We can give ourselves what it is that we think we need from somebody else.
The second part of that is that from this place of connection with ourselves we can also ask for what we want from the people in our lives from our mature wise self. And so this is number 2. This is the second way that we know that we are healing. We can ask for what we want from our mature, wise self. So when we are in our Pain body, we are asking for what we want from our pain we are speaking from our wound and that can be full of expectations and blame and resentment. But when we hold ourselves in our wound through honoring what it is that we want. By giving ourselves what we want, we can ask for what we want from a different space within ourselves. It’s not about what we say or what we do. It’s about the place within us from which we speak our act. And so from our most awake, regulated self. We ask for what we want.
And this leads me to number 3. We also know that we are whole, and we are Ok. If we don’t get what we want. The attachment wound tells us that I’m going to die if I don’t get what I want. My life depends on me getting what I want, and when we are in our healing journey and we are giving ourselves what we want, we’re asking from our most awake resource self for what we want. We know that when we reach out for somebody, and if they aren’t available to give us the thing that we need in that moment that we’re still still whole that we’re going to be okay. And so we can stay awake and resourced in that relationship dynamic.
The fourth way that we know that our healing and our transformation is unfolding is that we also know that desires that differ from one another are still valid and welcome, that if we want something and our beloved wants something else that we can navigate that relationship with love, with respect, with curiosity, without dropping ourselves without shutting the other person out. And this is true contact and this is a beautiful, beautiful expression of our health. of our awareness of being able to stay awake without identifying with our ego, with our wounds, with our ordinary mind.
And then finally, number 5. And this is so important and so sacred and so beautiful, I can cry just thinking about it. The fifth way that we know that our healing and transformation is really unfolding is, we can stay in contact with our alignment and with our body with our joy. with that pleasure. as we come closer to intimacy without contracting, without resisting any part of our experience, so we can continue to make room for any layers of awkwardness or shame, or or any part of us that wants to hide. We continue to make room for ourselves to allow joy and pleasure, and the goodness of being in a body to unfold. As we come closer to intimacy from our wound, we think we need to do something to earn pleasure, or we need to and get something from somebody else to experience pleasure, but from true self-consciousness we are able to stay in our own source of energy, and allow that pleasure and that joy to amplify as we come closer to sacred connection with our beloved.
And so these are the 5 ways that we know that we are healing. And if you want to learn more about this, I have a wonderful course for you called spiritually aligned relationships. It’s on my website, the Spiritual alliance.com. And this this course is really good for anybody. So if you’re single and you are longing for a beloved, if you’re in a relationship, and you want to take it with your beloved or your beloved doesn’t want to take it, or you’re polyamorous or any any other configuration of relationship. This course can really support you in healing and cultivating a secure connection with yourself, as you navigate all of the relationships in your life. So thank you so much for listening to this today, and I wish you so much joy and pleasure and bliss as you deepen into intimacy with your relationships.
