In this video we are going to be talking about the energetic expression of codependency. You may not realize that your energetic boundaries actually hold the tone of your psychology and your behavior. And so, as you are transforming the ways in which you show up to relationship. Your energetic boundaries can support you in embodying the new, truer way more fully. So we’re going to dive into that in a moment. But before we do, I want to let you know that I wrote a book for you, Align: Living and Loving from the True Self is a comprehensive map of how to come back home to the truth of who you are and how to honor your alignment as sacred as you connect with the people in your life. The line is available on Amazon and Barnes, and noble Com. I also created these self-guided alignment cards for you. There are 48 cards in a deck, and each card has a wisdom teaching, and a sentence stem to support you, and living and loving from your true self And these are available on my website, the spiritually aligned Com.
So when I was first learning how to engage in intimate relationship, I didn’t realize that I was codependent. I didn’t realize that my lack of knowledge of what I wanted, my lack of opinion and my prioritizing what other people wanted, and what other people thought as true was actually causing me harm, and was preventing me from experiencing the love and the intimacy that I had longed for
I really had no clue of energy especially my energy. At that time I had a lot of awareness of other people’s energy, but I didn’t recognize that I was important, that I was the common denominator in my relationships, and that my lack of sense of self was actually keeping me from getting what I wanted. So, as I commenced my healing journey in my early twenties, after experiencing some extremely traumatic relationship dynamics. I began to see that I had merged with my primary caregivers and with my siblings to try to find a sense of safety. I I don’t know why I did that. I I couldn’t see why I did that, but I could see that my energetic boundary and bubble was merged with my primary caregivers, and so the first step of my healing was unblending from my primary caregivers, and I’ve seen this with many, many of my clients who are recovering from codependency, unbending from the primary caregivers not from their current self. But the inner young one that merged. That’s the part of us that needs to unblend to know that we are not responsible for our primary caregiver, that what we want matters, that having an opinion is valid, that our pain is valid, and that we can hold ourselves in that experience, and that the merging with the primary caregivers doesn’t need to happen anymore. At the time it was adaptive, it was wise. For whatever reason we did it. However, now we no longer need to use that strategy.
And so, updating our inner young one is really essential in cultivating toned energetic boundaries. And so the expression of codependency through our energetic boundaries is a lack of sense of self. This is called confluence. The boundary system is open. The person feels what other people feel deeply. And there’s the sense of I’m okay. If you’re okay. So I’m going to take care of you. I’m going to prioritize you. And if I do that, then I’m going to be Ok. But if you’re not Ok, I’m responsible for you. And so then I’m not Ok. And this confluence and open boundary system can be a really confusing to experience, and that is one of the expressions of confluence, confusion and it is also the expression of a trauma response on the trauma wave. Confusion is part of that freeze response of the trauma expression. And so as we are queuing our codependent traits and wanting to create healthy relationships where we know that we matter, or that we even know what we want that can be so challenging for somebody with codependent traits.
I remember this moment I was dating somebody, and they texted me and asked me what I wanted for dinner, and I was so scared to assert a desire. I didn’t even know what I wanted, but I was scared to assert a desire. And I I just needed to find something to ask for, because I was in the midst of healing this pattern, and it was so vulnerable for me. I felt so extremely vulnerable, asking for something from somebody else, because I really believed that other people didn’t care about what I wanted, and in that I wasn’t caring about what I wanted. And so then I’m projecting that out. And so the healing was really about coming back home to myself, being curious about what I wanted, caring about what I wanted, which doesn’t mean not caring about what other people want, but the young one thinks it’s an either, or but it’s really a both. And in the mature, wise relationship so the energetic expression is an open boundary system, and when our boundary system is open and we don’t have that feeling of sense of self, how do we tone, our energetic boundaries. How do we find where we end? And other people begin when we’re accustomed to walking around in a state of confluence, feeling what other people feel all the time. Well, the answer is closing our eyes and turning inward and feeling the sensation in our body when the eyes are open. It’s so common to leave that sense of self and start prioritizing everything outside of ourselves, and so closing the eyes, we can turn towards ourself and know what it feels like to be us. So I want to invite you to do that right now. Just close your eyes and notice what it feels like to be. You take a couple breaths and let yourself feel you feel into you your own being your own sovereignty.
We’ll take a few more loving breaths here and as you come into contact with yourself, just notice if you’re carrying around other people’s energy and give it back to them. Just take a couple breaths, where you consciously give back other people, their judgments, their thoughts, their feelings, their desires. Let it be theirs. It’s not yours to hold. It’s not your assignment to process their emotions for them. And so this practice of coming back to yourself of knowing what emotions are yours, what thoughts are yours. This begins to create more toned, energetic boundaries where you have a sense of self. At first your sense of self might feel like this, big like close to your body the over practice over time. When you ask for what you want more, you honor what you’re feeling. More you make room for yourself. You’re available for yourself. The more you do that, the more your energetic boundaries will fill out and this will make it more possible for you to contact the world around you at the boundary point, with presence, with attunement, with care, with knowing that other people are responsible for themselves and that you are responsible for them, that you can both love somebody and not be responsible for them. And this is really key for somebody with codependent traits.
“I love you, I care about you. I’m not responsible for you. I love you, I care about you. I’m not responsible for you.”
This is the thing that the attachment system really needs to hear in relationship with other people. And so with that, I want to invite you to my living your alignment course, where you can really learn how to stay in your alignment, become more clear on your energetic chords, your energetic attachment cords, and your energetic boundaries and come back home to yourself so that you can experience your most healthy awake self in all aspects of your life. Thank you so much for listening, and I wish you so much beauty and grace on your journey, as you find ease in your alignment. One.