This is a two-part video series on finding the language of the true self. I sometimes refer to this as the language of sovereignty, because when we find the words of our true self, the words that we choose support us in standing in our sovereign autonomy, our words are so powerful they hold a vibration that affects the way that they land in the environment around us.
Our words can set a boundary, our words can represent our alignment, our words can represent our distorted life force energy, and when we choose words that support and cultivate more alignment, we actually deepen into our sovereignty as we communicate with the people in our lives.
Before I dive into that more, I just want to share with you my new book, Align: Living and Loving from the True Self. Align is a comprehensive roadmap of how to come back home to the truth of who you are and how to live from this deeply sacred place. I also have a lot of tips of how to find the voice of your true self towards the end of Align. I also have these new self-guided Alignment Cards. Each card has a wisdom teaching, and a sentence stem to support you in living and loving from your true self.
I have always been really passionate about relationship, healthy relationship, loving relationship, and part of that is communication. And I’ve studied nonviolent communication. It wasn’t until I found myself steeped into what is known as authentic relating, that I really began to discover the voice of my true self. Because my conditioned patterns were so strong and kept pulling me into certain ways of being in relationship, my language patterns were more congruent with my distorted life force energy.
The thing that was confusing for me, personally, was that my conditioned patterns were such that I was really trying to be accommodating and to be nice, and to get people to like me, so my language patterns weren’t unkind. However, they weren’t authentic and true. There was something that I was hiding or rejecting, or even maybe unaware of, that was in my shadow. And as long as I continued to speak from this distorted Life Force Energy, I reinforced this distortion. I just remember how much courage it took for me to come back and actually speak my deepest, deepest truth, because somewhere inside of me in my deep, unconscious being, I thought that I would die if I spoke my deepest, deepest truth.
But what I’ve learned is that finding the voice of the true self is what allows our life, our relationships, our work, our whole being, to be in the deepest and truest alignment. So I want to begin by just talking about conflict for a moment. When we are in our distorted life force energy, and speaking from our distortion, using the language of our conditioned patterns, socially acceptable language, language that we think somebody else wants to hear, language that hides the full and deepest truth, we are actually inviting entanglement patterns into our life. We are inviting conflict, even if that language is to not say something that we think might be mean, eventually that energy comes out sideways. As you can see my hands here in the video, that energy isn’t actually fully claimed and owned and aligned, and conflict can be not only prevented by the language of sovereignty and the language of the true self, but it can also be the most connecting experience that we have when we know how to have a disagreement and stay aligned with the truth of who we are.
Albeit, this takes practice. I’ve been practicing for many, many years, and there’s this deepening and deepening that happens over time when we can stay congruent with our authentic truth and the alignment with who we are. If you find yourself in patterns of conflict repeatedly with a person in your life or even if you leave that relationship, and you find yourself in the same patterns of conflict, or if you avoid conflict altogether, you likely know that feeling inside of your being of getting pulled off center.
Maybe you were feeling really solid in yourself. And this conflict started emerging, seemingly out of nowhere, between you and this person in your life. We can so easily get pulled off center and start looping in thought and lose access with our heart and disconnect from our true sense of power in our belly or our security, right here at the base of the spine, and we can start coming off center. The mind starts thinking about that other person and, something that I’ve seen so many people do, including myself is we start to come up with the words that we think might get the other person to understand our point of view. We start collecting evidence, gathering it and organizing it so that we can present it to this other person so that they know what we’re experiencing so that we can ultimately come back into alignment and come back into connection.
I think the the deeper intention of coming back into connection often gets lost when patterns of conflict happen, because as we start to come off center, we become less resourced within ourselves. We lose our own inner resourcing and the mind becomes really focused on fixing this conflict as a way to regulate the nervous system. So to to really find the language of sovereignty number one, it’s important to practice when we feel resourced and number two, when we feel under resourced, it is really essential that we pause. We pause, we turn towards ourselves, and we start looking within to give ourselves what it is that we need from ourselves. Conflict is trying to get something from somebody else, either understanding or a behavior change or something else, but when we turn towards ourself, and we can give ourselves what it is that we really need, we can come back to our sense of sovereignty. When we are in our alignment, in our sovereign self, there is one key that I have found that has completely shifted the way that I communicate the way people seem to hear and understand me. The way that conflicts can actually create more connection in my life and that is, owning your experience.
So when we are in our sense of sovereignty, we can recognize that everything that we experience within ourselves is ours. Even if we’ve sort of acquired somebody else’s energy or ideas, it’s living inside of us. If it’s inside of us, it’s ours to be with consciously, it’s not somebody else’s to fix or change or amend for us. So if I’m feeling hurt, that is my hurt, right? The other person didn’t make me feel hurt, I simply feel hurt and I’ve noticed that looking at this scenario, that if somebody else was sitting here, in the same exact seat and this other person did the same thing, would they feel hurt? It’s so subjective that it lets the mind recognize that it actually isn’t that person that caused my hurt. I simply feel hurt, and this is my hurt to be with consciously. It’s my hurt to communicate on behalf of, not from, because when we speak from our pain, we spread pain, we induce pain into the people around us, but when we are welcoming and loving to the pain that is within us, we can speak on its behalf, on behalf of the pain from our wise, mature, sovereign self and we can own our experience.
Now, this is not to say, that if there is emotional and physical abuse happening, that it’s not happening and that the other person isn’t doing harmful behavior. What I am saying is that what is arising inside of me is mine and full self-responsibility is where I discover the language of sovereignty.
And so, when I’m owning my experience, I can say, I notice I’m feeling really hurt right now, and I’m needing some space. I could even say, I notice that I’m feeling really hurt right now, and I’m not available to be in communication with you. That’s the language of my boundary, my sovereignty. I’m not projecting on to the other person, saying, you know you hurt me, you always do this thing, you never listen to me. I’m turning towards myself, I’m honoring how I feel, and I’m setting a clear boundary. The thing about the language of sovereignty is that when we choose words that we are owning completely, our words are inarguable.
So if I say you’re being mean, here is a conflict that invites a conflict. If I say you hurt me, that is arguable, right? We can invite a conflict. But if I say I feel hurt, nobody can tell me that I don’t. There are sort of tricky ways that the ego tries to find ways around the language of sovereignty that I’ve seen so much in the work that I do. The most common is “you make me feel”, or “I feel like you”. When somebody says, “I feel like you don’t care about me”. That is an arguable statement that puts the power of the projection over on to the other person, and it’s not a feeling. It’s not a true sovereign statement. If the person has a story that the other person doesn’t care about them, how does that actually feel for this person. I feel sad. I feel alone. I’m longing for something to be different. Those are our inarguable statements that can give voice to the deepest sovereignty.
And again, I just want to reiterate it. The mind can manipulate this language and start distorting it. So it really requires us to be curious to take our time to discover, is this arguable? Is this true? Is this really, truly what’s happening for me?,and to hold ourselves in our truth and to offer it as a gift and to see what happens. The true self does not try to control, it doesn’t try to manipulate, it doesn’t blame, it doesn’t resent, the true self is inarguable. There’s always an intention for connection and the deepest truth and it gets to the essence of what is happening within ourselves.
If you want to learn more about having sovereign relationships, communicating with sovereignty, how to be with your attachment wounds lovingly so you don’t enter into entanglement patterns in your intimate relationships, I have a course called Spiritually Aligned Relationships, and it is so incredibly comprehensive that I believe that all of your relationships, not just your intimate relationships, but all of your relationships, will feel more aligned and more congruent with the truth of who you are after taking this course. Thank you so much for spending this time with me today. There will be a part 2 to this video coming soon.