When the word narcissist is used, we typically think of an unfeeling person who uses and abuses others for their own gain. While a true narcissist does exhibit these characteristics, this image of a narcissist is often conflated with a sociopath, or a person who has no remorse for their harmful actions. Being in any relationship (personal, professional, or clinical) with a person who exhibits narcissist traits can be confusing because they craft reality through their own distorted perception.
To reduce a narcissist down to being a bad person, though, is to ignore the depth of humanity that lives beneath their patterns. Narcissism is more nuanced and less “black and white” than people tend to think. Look a little deeper and you will find a person who suffers from tremendous insecurity, a lack of emotional intelligence, and hyper-identification with their mind. Because they are so dysregulated, their own meaning making is confusing to them, and thus can be crazy-making to those in their life.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is listed in the DSM-V under a category of personality disorders known as cluster B. Cluster B personality disorders are disorders that include characteristics of having a dramatic presentation, emotional dysregulation, and relationship difficulties. To meet the criteria of a cluster B diagnosis, these characteristics must be present in various contexts and not limited to one specific situation or relationship.
NPD is considered one of the main cluster B disorders, and it is characterized by the following symptoms:
- Exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with success, power, or appearance
- Belief in one’s own uniqueness and superiority
- Lack of empathy and compassion
- Exploitative behavior towards others
- Entitlement and sense of being above the rules
- Hypersensitivity to criticism
- Need for constant admiration and attention
- Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships
While the DSM-V does not distinguish different sub-types of NPD, many people get confused in their understanding of NPD because there are can be 4 distinct presentations:
- Grandiose: Grandiose narcissists are also known as malignant narcissists. They are overtly aggressive in their grandiose, and they are persistent in their exploitative and entitled behavior. They lack empathy and remorse, and they seek admiration from others.
- Vulnerable: Vulnerable narcissists are also known as covert narcissists. They are hypersensitive to other people’s dissatisfaction and criticism; they are defensive and chronically envious of other people. They feel tremendous anxiety, insecurity, and inadequacy. Because they present as fragile, they may not seem to fit the criteria of NPD at first.
- High-functioning: High-functioning narcissists may not appear to have a personality disorder because their behavior is lauded and accepted by society. There is a competitiveness and a sense of grandiosity, and they seek attention and approval from others. They may be sexually provocative and avoid true intimacy.
- Communal: The communal narcissist is a very social type, where they get their sense of importance from communities. They place themself at the forefront of social causes or communities, and sometimes can be found in spiritual or progressive spaces. Communal narcissists may see themselves as more empathetic, caring, or selfless than others.
While these definitions serve to increase clarity and understanding of the way a person orients in the world, they are not listed here in a reductive or pejorative way. Understanding how a person’s inner map guides them in the world is essential in understanding how to support them in returning back home to the truth of who they are. Similarly, having insight into the way a person with NPD makes meaning of the world can support one’s own clarity. Unaware of the patterns of NPD, being in relationship with someone who exhibits these traits can feel crazy-making, like we’re sorting through gas in an attempt to try and get at something solid and true. However, with clarity and compassion, we can see the humanity in the person with NPD, without personalizing the way they treat us.
It is part of the human condition to have a personality and to identify with the thoughts of the mind. We all make meaning of the world based on our own sense of self, as well as any unresolved experiences from the past. The more hyper-identified a person is with their personality, the more likely they are to exhibit characteristics of a personality disorder.
In the field of psychology, research has shown that personality characteristics are formed by the age of 10 and are fairly persistent throughout a person’s life. Because of this, counselors and psychotherapists often have a challenging time seeing progress in their clients who present with symptoms of personality disorders. However, upon a deeper glance, we can see that a person who exhibits characteristics of NPD has not yet learned how to be with their fear and insecurity in a way that allows them to stay connected to themselves.
A person who fits the diagnostic criteria for NPD is not destined to have a life characterized by maladaptive thoughts and behaviors. When a clinician listens deeply to each characteristic of our client’s personality, we can gain understanding of what unresolved experiences from the past they are attempting to resolve in their current life. NPD is an expression of the flight-fight trauma response making its way into the personality. Fear and self-protection were adaptive responses to the environment at one point in time. However, as rigid patterns of behavior, they have become unhealthy.
When we understand that every thought, feeling, sensation, emotion, and impulse expressed by a client holds an innate wisdom, we can discover with our clients the key to unlocking their barriers to their own inner balance and well-being. By increasing awareness, we can welcome all aspects of a client as essential to the whole of who they are. We can support them in listening to their body, reconnecting with their heart, and cultivating empathy for themselves. When a client becomes curious and compassionate towards themselves, they naturally become more curious and compassionate towards others.
Remembering that at any moment a client can awaken to themselves, see the traps set by their ego, integrate what they’ve disowned, and move in the world from a deeper place, we can trust the unfolding of our clients’ process.
The main polarity in NDP is hyper-identification with self-importance and disowning or rejecting fear/insecurity. Gestalt therapy is such a wonderful approach for working with personality disorders, because it is transpersonal by nature. We support clients in differentiating from the hyper-identified self, and reclaiming what they’ve disowned. In doing so, they have the opportunity to move their dysregulation, resolve unfinished business, and integrate what they’ve previously rejected. Allowing each intervention to be an opportunity for a client to learn how to be available for themselves will create space for the client to open into their organismic self-regulation, where their inherent wisdom is the guide for their healing.
From a transpersonal, gestalt lens, any imbalance in a person’s symptom is viewed as an adaptive strategy that originated as an attempt to create balance in a system that was not designed for the individual’s well-being. Continuing to use these patterns when the original circumstances are no longer present is where they turn into maladaptive qualities. It is common for people with NPD to come from a cold and authoritarian household, where their safety came from their achievements. A wise way to adaptive to this environment was to disconnect from their heart and gain the approval they were seeking. However, continuing with this pattern is harmful to themselves and their loved ones.
Remember: Giving a narcissist relational and communication skills is not therapy; it’s collusion. To bypass accurate reflection and deep therapeutic processing in service of teaching skills only gives more fuel to the controlling characteristics of the narcissistic personality. When a client has the opportunity to be seen for the wholeness of who they are, they can discover deeper and more profound places within themselves. There is a sacred and beautiful opportunity to support clients in returning home to their True Self, where they have the capacity to hold themselves in their experience and meet life from their more Awake, resourced Self.
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References:
DSM-V: American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596
NPD Subtypes: Malkin. C. (2016) Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists. Harper Perennial; Reprint edition