When a client is incongruent, there is a mismatch between their ideal self and their authentic experience, leading to feelings of discomfort or anxiety. Trying to be something that they are not, a client simultaneously expresses and perpetuates their patterns of dysregulation, where their perceived lack of safety and security causes them to try to hide their authentic experience.
As therapists, we know that congruence is an indication of a regulated nervous system. When a client is congruent, they are in contact with themselves as they actually are, not as they think they should be. From a state of congruence, a client embodies self-responsibility, where they engage authentically with the environment and ceases to manipulate.
Offering clients an accurate reflection of their incongruence supports their deepening into contact with their authentic experience. Confronting incongruence can feel edgy or scary for a clinician, mostly because we are bringing awareness to something the client is trying to hide. However, through our accurate reflection, a client’s humanity is affirmed and space is created for them to deepen into the therapeutic process. Our accurate witness lets them know that we see all of them, and all aspects of them are welcome here. This increases psychological safety, as well as communicates to our client that they do not need to manipulate the therapeutic environment.
If a therapist sees or senses a client’s incongruence but does not name it, the therapist, themselves, becomes incongruent. Without the authenticity of our own congruence, the therapeutic container will feel off balance, and deep transformation will be inhibited. Because the congruence of both the therapist and the client is essential to the clarity of the therapeutic container, building the skills to confront incongruence in a way that feels honoring of the client and their wholeness is important for all clinicians.
Here are 5 steps to confronting incongruence while honoring the client’s wholeness:
1. Be congruent: Before you confront the client’s incongruence, make sure that you, the therapist, are being congruent. If you feel apprehensive about confronting incongruence, you may want to begin by authentically sharing about how you feel before offering the reflection. “I think I’m learning something about you (seeing something in you), and I notice that I’m feeling uncertain (or a bit anxious) about offering this reflection. However, I want to make sure I’m seeing you accurately…” This level of congruence builds trust and acknowledges that we are all human here, and we are extending positive regard towards the client.
2. Get Consent: One of the most valuable ways to create a culture of learning and exploration in the therapeutic relationship is to get the client’s consent before offering a reflection. After your authentic reveal listed in #1, you might want to ask, “Are you open to hearing it?” This honors the client’s dignity and sovereignty. Once they say “Yes” to receiving your reflection, the contact boundary has been honored. By having this level of receptivity explicitly stated, you (the therapist) will likely feel more comfortable confronting the incongruence.
3. Zoom out: In order to offer the clearest reflection, make sure you are seated back in your own seat and that you can see the larger map of the client’s patterns. This includes the wisdom of the pattern, the deeper need of the pattern, and the wholeness of the client. Before you highlight the incongruence, you may want to reflect the aspect of the client’s narrative that they are aware of. For example, “I heard you say that you really want a partner and that you aren’t sure that person exists…”
4. Use Neutral Language: When you finally share the deeper shadow of the incongruence, make sure that you are using non-judgmental language that owns what you’re seeing as being from your perspective. If your words are inarguable, nonviolent, and affirming of the client’s humanity, they will be more likely to look within and see if your reflection feels true. For example (following the example from #3), “From here, it seems like there’s a barrier around your heart that keeps potential partner’s out.”
5. Check it out with them: After you’ve shared your reflection, stay relational and honor the sacred boundary by asking them, “What do you notice when I say that? or “Does that feel true to you?”
Confronting incongruence in a way that fosters contact and builds rapport can be the catalyst for deep therapeutic transformation. This is a skill to practice and build trust in over time.
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